VanillaBear1
New member
WARNING: This may not appropriate for young readers.
Yes, I have re-written the beginning of my novel again and need new opinions. I realize it's probably filled with mistakes that I didn't manage to catch before posting, so I apologize. Remember, it's a first draft so it's bound to suck.
I know it seems random now, but more will be explained after the ending paragraph.
You know best answer and a plate full of chocolate chip cookies is an offer you can't refuse. Come on, answer it...you know you want to.
~
"Apparently, I'm an irredeemable a** who should never have children," my brother Kevin announces as he walks through the front door of the bar. All of our eyebrows rise in shock and everyone becomes quiet. I lean back slightly as I shove my hands in my pockets while everyone else smiles. The thought of Tracy kicking him to the curb must amuse them because it happens almost every week, but it just bores me. He's like a living sitcom.
"I guess it's safe to say that we're all proud of you, Kevvy, for screwing up yet another relationship. What's that, one thousand four now?" My other brother Chris asks. Because of the age difference, they are always ganging up on each other for anything they can. Chris picks this battle just to make him feel like s***, but Kevin just stands there and gives his signature, goofy smile.
"I think you're exaggerating a bit," he says.
"Maybe." There's a long pause and as I bite my lip I look around the room to see if anyone else is as uncomfortable as I am. It seems that everyone else is fine, smiling and laughing up a storm, and I should've mentally prepared myself for being the outsider.
"Nah, I was right the first time," Chris adds and all of the people around us snicker.
My sister Abby pushes her way through us around the bar and steps in the middle of our family circle. "Are we just going to stand here all night or are we going to drink?"
"Never thought I'd hear my little sister say that," Chris points out. He holds up four fingers and winks at Joe. They went to high school together and ever since Joe walked in on Chris while he was naked on the couch, a bag of chips in his hand, he's always gotten free beers here. Strange, yes, but since Joe is gay and Chris isn't, tabs don't exist, which is a plus when I discovered I left my wallet at home.
Joe presents the beers and winks at my brother, and Kevin downs his beer like there is no tomorrow. Chris returns one of those sexy waves you see women give to men on television that they're eventually going to have sex with later in the episode. While pouring another drink, Joe gives a huge smile and I twist my face in disgust. I've never liked him, particularly because he used to call me "The Rhinestone Cowboy", which I still don't understand, even after twenty years. Once, he even made me sing the National Anthem at a football game. The only problem with that was that I had just hit puberty and sounded like I had been inhaling helium for an hour.
*
If someone would be nice enough to thoroughly critique this, I would be so grateful. Even if you just want to point out the pros and cons, that's fine with me. Any type of criticism is fine and okay with me, as long as it is constructive and helpful. Be as harsh as you want, I can handle it (I promise).
Thanks! I really appreciate it!
Yes, I have re-written the beginning of my novel again and need new opinions. I realize it's probably filled with mistakes that I didn't manage to catch before posting, so I apologize. Remember, it's a first draft so it's bound to suck.
I know it seems random now, but more will be explained after the ending paragraph.
You know best answer and a plate full of chocolate chip cookies is an offer you can't refuse. Come on, answer it...you know you want to.
~
"Apparently, I'm an irredeemable a** who should never have children," my brother Kevin announces as he walks through the front door of the bar. All of our eyebrows rise in shock and everyone becomes quiet. I lean back slightly as I shove my hands in my pockets while everyone else smiles. The thought of Tracy kicking him to the curb must amuse them because it happens almost every week, but it just bores me. He's like a living sitcom.
"I guess it's safe to say that we're all proud of you, Kevvy, for screwing up yet another relationship. What's that, one thousand four now?" My other brother Chris asks. Because of the age difference, they are always ganging up on each other for anything they can. Chris picks this battle just to make him feel like s***, but Kevin just stands there and gives his signature, goofy smile.
"I think you're exaggerating a bit," he says.
"Maybe." There's a long pause and as I bite my lip I look around the room to see if anyone else is as uncomfortable as I am. It seems that everyone else is fine, smiling and laughing up a storm, and I should've mentally prepared myself for being the outsider.
"Nah, I was right the first time," Chris adds and all of the people around us snicker.
My sister Abby pushes her way through us around the bar and steps in the middle of our family circle. "Are we just going to stand here all night or are we going to drink?"
"Never thought I'd hear my little sister say that," Chris points out. He holds up four fingers and winks at Joe. They went to high school together and ever since Joe walked in on Chris while he was naked on the couch, a bag of chips in his hand, he's always gotten free beers here. Strange, yes, but since Joe is gay and Chris isn't, tabs don't exist, which is a plus when I discovered I left my wallet at home.
Joe presents the beers and winks at my brother, and Kevin downs his beer like there is no tomorrow. Chris returns one of those sexy waves you see women give to men on television that they're eventually going to have sex with later in the episode. While pouring another drink, Joe gives a huge smile and I twist my face in disgust. I've never liked him, particularly because he used to call me "The Rhinestone Cowboy", which I still don't understand, even after twenty years. Once, he even made me sing the National Anthem at a football game. The only problem with that was that I had just hit puberty and sounded like I had been inhaling helium for an hour.
*
If someone would be nice enough to thoroughly critique this, I would be so grateful. Even if you just want to point out the pros and cons, that's fine with me. Any type of criticism is fine and okay with me, as long as it is constructive and helpful. Be as harsh as you want, I can handle it (I promise).
Thanks! I really appreciate it!