Is this a good introduction paragraph?

[ColombianaSwimmer]

This is for my college personal statement essay. Please help me get it better!
Prompt #1: The world I came from (my family, friends, and neighborhood) and how the world shaped my dreams and goals.

My dad use to tell me that writing is just another, different language that I will have to use everyday, and maybe like doing writing everyday in my life…and he was right. When I was eight or nine years old, I began writing fiction stories and then poems, and I am still writing today. My stories revolve around the supernatural and romance genre but I also put in reality in my stories. I use personal experiences in my life and put it into my stories. But I also use it in my poems. My poems are about expressing different emotions that I see and feel in my own eyes and in my own heart. My poems also reflect my feelings in love, friendship, and pain. I began writing these different poems because of the effect on me since my parent’s divorce. I have been posting my poems on a website called www.poemhunter.com and here is an example of one of my poems called “My Journal.”

Please help! And if there is any words or sentences that need to be corrected, please tell me!
You don't have to write it out for me but I need to know which sentence or word needs to be fixed. or does it make any sense? I really want this essay to be excellent for college

 

[thegamez30]

im not going to edit it for you
so
listen carefully
Run-on Sentences
that is all i'll say Right now...........................................................................................------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[BERT]

Wow. That's all I can say!!! Are you writing this to apply to a college? Because, if all your paragraphs are like this, I would most definitely NOT be accepting you.

I agree with the above statement about the run-on sentences. Next, you never use ... in a professional and formal essay.

My dad useD to tell me that writing is (remove just) another language that I will have to use everyday. (I'm now confused with the end of that sentence. What's he right about??? :S ) When I was eight (specify, don't put eight or nine. just take a guess) years old, I began writing fiction stories and (remove then) poems. I continue writing these works of literature today. My stories revolve around the supernatural and romance genre, but I add reality into the stories as well. I use personal experiences in my life and include them into my stories and poems. My poems are my way of expressing different emotions that I personally see and feel. Through my poems, I explain my feelings about love, friendship, and pain. My parent's divorce was the start of my composition of poems. Ever since, I have been posting my poems on a website called www.poemhunter.com. Listed below is one of my poems called "My Journal".

That's a start... it's still not what I would say "college-level" but it's better than what you began with. Good luck!