This is a first draft, and I usually don't make changes until the second draft, but I'm striving to catch the reader's attention within the first few pages. Grammar and such will be shaped up on the second draft.
((( This is a sequel to my alien invasion novel, and this is one of my main characters. Questions at the end.)))
The door to the one-bed room opened and in strolled the day nurse who greeted her patient with breakfast.
“Good morning,” said the nurse with a bright smile. Nurses were instructed to treat patients like family. The patient said nothing as she stared at the white painted wall. “I have breakfast for you.” The nurse raised the portable counter and put the breakfast tray of a sausage and biscuit, eggs, and a small container of juice on it. She whipped the tray toward the patient’s chest as she smiled her sunny smile. “Do you wanna watch TV?” The nurse picked the remote control off the floor and started flipping through the channels until she came to a PG-rated movie then sat the remote by the patient’s hand.
“I’ll check on you later when we go out for some fresh air.” The brunette nurse with green eyes and a blue uniform with cartoon characters on it left, shutting the door behind her.
The patient took the tray and flung it across the room where it hit the wall and made a loud rattling noise as it fell to the floor, the juice spilling on the chair next to it. She took the remote, turned off the TV, and then tossed it on the floor beside the bed. She continued to stare at the bare walls where only a TV hung.
Commotion from the halls seeped through the thin walls loud and clear. Nurses struggled to get a patient under control as the patient shouted obscenities at them. Thumps where they hit the walls reverberate to the patient’s bed as she tossed and turned trying to get the sounds out of her head. Objects hit the floor as more voices were overheard outside shouting over each other, one giving orders. Sudden silence followed by heavy breathing flowed through the door.
The patient in room 104 got up and looked out the window. Her window overlooked the courtyard where patients and nurses were smoking and talking. Below her was the hospital’s leisure room where patients spent personal time enjoying the company of others, including hospital staff.
Jonny Rooker sat by himself on a bench by a tree rocking back and forth talking to himself as usual. Louise and Gabrielle played their daily hand of poker for snack coupons that were given to patients for good behavior. As usual, when Louise lost she became angry and threw the cards on the ground, and Louise was losing the game. She pounded her fist on the table and shouted at Gabrielle, her eyebrows sloping downward and face full of tense features. In a few moments she would end the game as only she knew how.
There weren’t many people in the circular courtyard that was surrounded by the rest of the building. It was the only opening throughout the place and sun shone down into it lighting it like a beacon from heaven. A few patients enjoyed the sunbath they got, while others shaded their eyes with their hands. Jimmy, the large male nurse stood watch over the patients before walking back into the building.
There weren’t many people the patient in room 104 was comfortable communicating with. She usually kept to herself and rocked herself to get rid of the anxiety that plagued her the last two years. She felt safe, but trapped at the same time. There was no way out of her hellhole but she was safe from what lurked on the outside – an evil that no one believed existed. She knew the truth and that’s why she would be prepared while the others would suffer in anguish like the rest.
She wanted to control her thoughts - that’s what the doctor wanted. She didn’t want to come off like a crazy woman with no self-control, but she wanted others to know her truth and what she experienced. Insisting to a psychiatrist that she was abducted by aliens who intended to take all humans to their planet to extract their DNA wasn’t the best idea, but she couldn’t bring herself to lie, even though she knew that was her only means for release. She told her story to anyone who would listen, and many of the patients believed her, and they were afraid, too.
((( Would you keep reading? Was it boring? Did I keep your attention? Was anything confusing? Tell me your thoughts. )))
Thanks everyone who responded. Details: The novel is about aliens who masquerade as humans as part of a mass alien abduction plan. That plan was foiled in the first novel and this character is the only one who knows aliens exist. This is the second novel and since the aliens look like humans my character doesn't know who to trust and talk of aliens and paranoid behavior has landed her in a mental institution.
I am working on revising the beginning to start off with more conflict and a little less superfluous description and to delve more into the plot early on.
((( This is a sequel to my alien invasion novel, and this is one of my main characters. Questions at the end.)))
The door to the one-bed room opened and in strolled the day nurse who greeted her patient with breakfast.
“Good morning,” said the nurse with a bright smile. Nurses were instructed to treat patients like family. The patient said nothing as she stared at the white painted wall. “I have breakfast for you.” The nurse raised the portable counter and put the breakfast tray of a sausage and biscuit, eggs, and a small container of juice on it. She whipped the tray toward the patient’s chest as she smiled her sunny smile. “Do you wanna watch TV?” The nurse picked the remote control off the floor and started flipping through the channels until she came to a PG-rated movie then sat the remote by the patient’s hand.
“I’ll check on you later when we go out for some fresh air.” The brunette nurse with green eyes and a blue uniform with cartoon characters on it left, shutting the door behind her.
The patient took the tray and flung it across the room where it hit the wall and made a loud rattling noise as it fell to the floor, the juice spilling on the chair next to it. She took the remote, turned off the TV, and then tossed it on the floor beside the bed. She continued to stare at the bare walls where only a TV hung.
Commotion from the halls seeped through the thin walls loud and clear. Nurses struggled to get a patient under control as the patient shouted obscenities at them. Thumps where they hit the walls reverberate to the patient’s bed as she tossed and turned trying to get the sounds out of her head. Objects hit the floor as more voices were overheard outside shouting over each other, one giving orders. Sudden silence followed by heavy breathing flowed through the door.
The patient in room 104 got up and looked out the window. Her window overlooked the courtyard where patients and nurses were smoking and talking. Below her was the hospital’s leisure room where patients spent personal time enjoying the company of others, including hospital staff.
Jonny Rooker sat by himself on a bench by a tree rocking back and forth talking to himself as usual. Louise and Gabrielle played their daily hand of poker for snack coupons that were given to patients for good behavior. As usual, when Louise lost she became angry and threw the cards on the ground, and Louise was losing the game. She pounded her fist on the table and shouted at Gabrielle, her eyebrows sloping downward and face full of tense features. In a few moments she would end the game as only she knew how.
There weren’t many people in the circular courtyard that was surrounded by the rest of the building. It was the only opening throughout the place and sun shone down into it lighting it like a beacon from heaven. A few patients enjoyed the sunbath they got, while others shaded their eyes with their hands. Jimmy, the large male nurse stood watch over the patients before walking back into the building.
There weren’t many people the patient in room 104 was comfortable communicating with. She usually kept to herself and rocked herself to get rid of the anxiety that plagued her the last two years. She felt safe, but trapped at the same time. There was no way out of her hellhole but she was safe from what lurked on the outside – an evil that no one believed existed. She knew the truth and that’s why she would be prepared while the others would suffer in anguish like the rest.
She wanted to control her thoughts - that’s what the doctor wanted. She didn’t want to come off like a crazy woman with no self-control, but she wanted others to know her truth and what she experienced. Insisting to a psychiatrist that she was abducted by aliens who intended to take all humans to their planet to extract their DNA wasn’t the best idea, but she couldn’t bring herself to lie, even though she knew that was her only means for release. She told her story to anyone who would listen, and many of the patients believed her, and they were afraid, too.
((( Would you keep reading? Was it boring? Did I keep your attention? Was anything confusing? Tell me your thoughts. )))
Thanks everyone who responded. Details: The novel is about aliens who masquerade as humans as part of a mass alien abduction plan. That plan was foiled in the first novel and this character is the only one who knows aliens exist. This is the second novel and since the aliens look like humans my character doesn't know who to trust and talk of aliens and paranoid behavior has landed her in a mental institution.
I am working on revising the beginning to start off with more conflict and a little less superfluous description and to delve more into the plot early on.