What do you think about my story? Depressing... I am in 7th grade by the way :)

Quinn

Member
so im twelve... haha xD? I took out some description tell me what you think.
The ocean waves, as black as the shadows, beat against the sand, in tune with the steady beat of her broken heart. The sound mocked her,orderly and predictable while her whole world continued to shatter. The trees are whistling in the slight breeze. Her heart beating in and out of her chest like a humming bird destructively flapping It's wings. She wants to slip into the darkness to forget all the words, all the scars, and all the hate. She wanted to end the life no one appreciated not even herself. She dipped the point of her toe in the water and watched as the ripple disappeared like every word she ever spoke.
 

cathrl69

Member
You need to pick a tense and stick with it - this wanders randomly around between past and present.

Apart from that? Why don't you pick something you know about and care about, instead of trying to reproduce teen wangst which you won't even have experienced yet? The main problem this has is that it's utterly generic. Something pretty much exactly like it is posted here at least ten times a week.
 
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