TheFlooNetwork
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- Apr 21, 2010
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...chapter. mind taking a look? Okay, so It is fairly fresh and for WEEKS I have gotten nowhere with the start of my novel...
What do you think?
Would you keep reading?
Rate out of ten?
Did the last part seem to quick?
It's a fantasy... but obviously there are no signs of that just yet
P.S - the name of the school is blocked out as it is original.
The suitcase hit the gravelled ground with a dull thud, followed by the sharp snap of a slamming door. Hilary Finch rolled her eyes as the silver Mercedes rumbled almost soundlessly into life. The car park was close to being empty in the morning hours and only a few families gathered, murmuring last minute exchanges of goodbyes. Hilary didn’t need to turn to know that the manicured hand of her mother was waving from the open driver seat window. As the car rolled out of the drive slowly, the plum-mouthed screeches of her mother echoed in Hilary’s ears.
“Remember to call me, darling. I didn’t hear a peep from you all last term!”
Hilary raised her hand in acknowledgement, her back still facing the car. Finally she let out a heavy sigh of relief as the holidays were left in the past, turning the corner with her mother’s Mercedes.
The compelling white iron gates began to open automatically then, revealing the white gravelled path leading to the entrance of ________________. Perfectly trimmed green grass sprawled out in front of the historic building and Hilary’s heart picked up pace as she stepped quickly into the grounds. The gravel crunched underfoot and the wheels of the suitcase rolled gradually along as Hilary pulled it.
________________ stood four stories high, each story full of white-framed arched windows. The red-brick manor was almost entirely covered in wisteria and the greying roof topped with dried moss. Hilary glanced over the main building to the back where two even taller terraces stood. The right terrace was her own common and her dormitory window was just visible over the roof.
Hilary hurried up the flat path towards the glass, arched entrance door sitting above marbled steps. A feeling was forming in her stomach. She had felt the feeling often and recently. In the car she had diagnosed it as only hunger pains. But it was growing uncomfortably...
The churning sensation in her stomach did not ease as she climbed the marble steps. A few girls were gathered there, suitcases still in hand and talking excitedly. Hilary stopped. It felt as if pins were puncturing her insides, causing a wave of sick to rush over her. One of the girls looked over their shoulders as Hilary let a small whimper escape from her mouth. Then the girl’s face blurred then and the nauseating feelings crept up Hilary’s body. She staggered, dropping her suitcase which hit the top step and tumbled down. She grabbed at her side with one hand and bought a palm to her sweaty head with the other. Her long legs tangled as she tried to up-right herself but then she fell with a sickening thump.
thanks in advance, unless you give me terrible critisim.
joke joyce.
P.S I like harsh comments, strangely.
oh dear. i'm 16 :S
ha-ha
What do you think?
Would you keep reading?
Rate out of ten?
Did the last part seem to quick?
It's a fantasy... but obviously there are no signs of that just yet
P.S - the name of the school is blocked out as it is original.
The suitcase hit the gravelled ground with a dull thud, followed by the sharp snap of a slamming door. Hilary Finch rolled her eyes as the silver Mercedes rumbled almost soundlessly into life. The car park was close to being empty in the morning hours and only a few families gathered, murmuring last minute exchanges of goodbyes. Hilary didn’t need to turn to know that the manicured hand of her mother was waving from the open driver seat window. As the car rolled out of the drive slowly, the plum-mouthed screeches of her mother echoed in Hilary’s ears.
“Remember to call me, darling. I didn’t hear a peep from you all last term!”
Hilary raised her hand in acknowledgement, her back still facing the car. Finally she let out a heavy sigh of relief as the holidays were left in the past, turning the corner with her mother’s Mercedes.
The compelling white iron gates began to open automatically then, revealing the white gravelled path leading to the entrance of ________________. Perfectly trimmed green grass sprawled out in front of the historic building and Hilary’s heart picked up pace as she stepped quickly into the grounds. The gravel crunched underfoot and the wheels of the suitcase rolled gradually along as Hilary pulled it.
________________ stood four stories high, each story full of white-framed arched windows. The red-brick manor was almost entirely covered in wisteria and the greying roof topped with dried moss. Hilary glanced over the main building to the back where two even taller terraces stood. The right terrace was her own common and her dormitory window was just visible over the roof.
Hilary hurried up the flat path towards the glass, arched entrance door sitting above marbled steps. A feeling was forming in her stomach. She had felt the feeling often and recently. In the car she had diagnosed it as only hunger pains. But it was growing uncomfortably...
The churning sensation in her stomach did not ease as she climbed the marble steps. A few girls were gathered there, suitcases still in hand and talking excitedly. Hilary stopped. It felt as if pins were puncturing her insides, causing a wave of sick to rush over her. One of the girls looked over their shoulders as Hilary let a small whimper escape from her mouth. Then the girl’s face blurred then and the nauseating feelings crept up Hilary’s body. She staggered, dropping her suitcase which hit the top step and tumbled down. She grabbed at her side with one hand and bought a palm to her sweaty head with the other. Her long legs tangled as she tried to up-right herself but then she fell with a sickening thump.
thanks in advance, unless you give me terrible critisim.
joke joyce.
P.S I like harsh comments, strangely.
oh dear. i'm 16 :S
ha-ha