Critique my flash back in my story? 10 points.?

[ShousetsunoSakka]

The main protagonist is having a flash back of a woman that he used to love...it's not finished yet, but I just wanted to see what you guys thought about it.
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Italics - I loved that woman, Beatrice Strauss, but I also had a deep hatred for her at the same time. She was the kind of woman that would sleep with you and disappear for months at a time and then show up back at your place as if nothing happened.

Italics - I met her for the first time, six years ago, as a rookie police officer, at a local pub called Limbs.

“Hard day at work?” a sweet, soft voice sitting on the bar stool beside me asked. “It must be hard being a cop huh?”

“You have no idea.” I sighed, chugging down the rest of my drink. “How did you know I was a cop?” I asked, taking a moment to look beside myself to see whose voice it was.

Italics - The voice came from a very attractive woman. She had blonde hair that ran down past her shoulders, rosy pink cheeks, and the most gorgeous hazel green eyes I had ever seen in my life.

She smiled brightly at me, “I could always tell who is what just by looking at them,” she answered, stirring her drink with her index finger, “you must think I’m weird now huh?”

Italics - I stared deeply into those hazel green eyes as she talked to me, they were gorgeous indeed, but in those same eyes, I felt as if they were trying to tell me a story of a lonely woman who had been living a life full of melancholy.

“N-n-no, not at all,” I shook my head, “In fact, I think that’s a pretty neat gift you have.”

“So what’s your name officer?” she asked, waving at the bartender, “Two bloody maries please!” she shouted at him.

The bartender nodded and began to make our drinks.

“Hiroki Kobayashi…” I answered, still in awe of her beauty, “what’s yours?”

“Oh you’re Japanese. What a cute name.” she said, sipping the rest of her drink. “My name is Beatrice Strauss.”

I nodded, “What a lovely name. Are you American?”

“For a Japanese man you can speak English pretty well. I am actually German.” she looked at me with flirtatious eyes, twirled her long blonde hair with her fingers, and smiled some more.

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Thanks for reading.

 

[brian]

The writing is not bad but I don't think it is necessary to have the flashbacks in italics. It rather stops becoming a flashback fairly quickly and reads as though the action is happening at that moment and to me that can be a bit off putting because you tend to forget that you are reading flashbacks and when it stops you are suddenly dropped into the present and that is very confusing until you remember that you have been reading about the past. Write it in the past tense rather than the present tense. Flashbacks are difficult to write and they shouldn't be too long either or the reader will forget it is a flashback. Flashbacks should be bite size chunks that are relevant to that part of the story.
Your writing is not bad at all so keep it going although I was a bit disappointed that they met in a bar because it conveyed to me that she was some sort of 'tart' who was on the make. Mind you I could just be an old fashioned writer and reader. Good luck with your story whatever you decide to do.

 

[DENMARK]

Show don't Tell. In the beginning you mention that you love her. Show that through his behavior. You can scratch out "the voice came from an attractive woman" just get right to the point and describe her if necessary which it isn't really half the time. Readers want pure story and don't care much for whether she's some bimbo with blonde hair.

It wasn't necessary to write "hazel green eyes." Readers could care less what color her eyes are unless they contribute to the story in some significant way. And when you elaborated further by saying 'they were gorgeous indeed..etc." your writing appeared flowery. Also, the dialogue seems a bit dry and contrive. I wished that there was more characterization throughout this piece.

I know this is a rather short passage but you could have revealed the character's personality's more through how they speak and what they do. Much of what they are discussing seems to be small talk. Make sure that your dialogue always serves a purpose and isn't just thrown in there to keep your characters in idle conversation. Occasionally you may get away with "small talk" but keep it brief and if you are going to include small talk make it interesting and not bland. Like "How's the weather?" ..."Oh it's sunny outside. No clouds" That is boring and lazy writing.

All in all this isn't too bad. Revise and READ to get better at writing Good luck!