DuckLingleton
New member
- Jan 5, 2009
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Okay, so i am writing a story and this is like the 3rd time ive tried writing the beginning and i think it is the best version.... plz tell me your opinion so that i can improve it....
~Introduction~
It started out as a regular night. Jenny took shower, put on her favorite pajamas, brushed her teeth, and went to bed. But that night changed her life dramatically. At three o'clock in the morning, she heard something moving around in her room. She turned on the lamp that was beside her bed and looked around. In an instant she felt a hand go over her mouth. She tried to fight it, but she was still half-asleep and taken by surprise. She kicked at the air and flailed her arms in all directions. Each try was more and more hopeless.
After a few minutes of this, the men apparently got tired of her fighting them and pointed a gun at her head and commanded that she be still. She did as she was told. What choice did she have? They sat her on her bed, the one with the gun sitting beside her. They took off their masks and she recognized them instantly.
The one in front of her was named Brandon. And the one sitting beside her was named David. They both worked for Jake, whom she had borrowed a significant amount of money from. He had sent letters warning her that if she didn't pay, he was going to send some of his people after her, but she didn't have it. What could she do?
Brandon must have noticed that she recognized them because he just simply said, "I'm sorry." What? He was apologizing? What did that mean? He must have been ordered to do something horrible. What was it? What was he going to do to her? She looked up at him and saw regret in his eyes. She was confused. He didn't want to do something apparently. But what could he have been ordered to do that was so horrible? Brandon sensed that Jenny was confused and began explaining things.
"Jake sent us here to kidnap you," he told her. Jenny looked at his pain stricken face. That was not the whole truth.
"And then what does he want you to do with me?" she asked a little too boldly.
"I can't say."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to frighten you," he stated calmly.
"Well your doing an excellent job of that. You only came into my room at three o'clock in the morning and pointed a gun at my head and said you were going to kidnap me. I'm not frightened at all!" She regretted saying that the instant it came out of her mouth. And she knew that David didn't appreciate her back-talk when she heard the gun cock. She turned towards him and saw the anger in his eyes. He was way more than aggravated.
"Fine! You want to know the truth? We were sent to kill you," he exclaimed. Brandon tried to calm him down but it was impossible. "I don't appreciate you acting like a little spoiled brat! Do you realize that all I have to do is pull this trigger and you are gone. But just so you know, we aren't going to kill you right now. Which is why you should be grateful. We were ordered to not let you ever see outside again but we decided we weren't going to follow orders this time. But I must admit that our way might not help you much either."
"What are you going to do with me?" Jenny asked between her tears. She wasn't just frightened, she was petrified. This was a desperate cry for answers. She had to know.
"We are going to play a little game," was David's only response.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
for those of you who actually read this whole thing, i am going to explain the idea of the story.
See the game David is referring to is going to be about choices. They are going to give Jenny a choice about everything from what they should tie her hands with to how they are going to kill her. But the catch is that they only give her two options and she HAS to choose one of them....
Spoiler: she doesn't die... i havent figured out exactly how im going to work it but something about her is going to change David and Brandon and they will be unable to do any harm to her.... but i havent figured out what yet
~Introduction~
It started out as a regular night. Jenny took shower, put on her favorite pajamas, brushed her teeth, and went to bed. But that night changed her life dramatically. At three o'clock in the morning, she heard something moving around in her room. She turned on the lamp that was beside her bed and looked around. In an instant she felt a hand go over her mouth. She tried to fight it, but she was still half-asleep and taken by surprise. She kicked at the air and flailed her arms in all directions. Each try was more and more hopeless.
After a few minutes of this, the men apparently got tired of her fighting them and pointed a gun at her head and commanded that she be still. She did as she was told. What choice did she have? They sat her on her bed, the one with the gun sitting beside her. They took off their masks and she recognized them instantly.
The one in front of her was named Brandon. And the one sitting beside her was named David. They both worked for Jake, whom she had borrowed a significant amount of money from. He had sent letters warning her that if she didn't pay, he was going to send some of his people after her, but she didn't have it. What could she do?
Brandon must have noticed that she recognized them because he just simply said, "I'm sorry." What? He was apologizing? What did that mean? He must have been ordered to do something horrible. What was it? What was he going to do to her? She looked up at him and saw regret in his eyes. She was confused. He didn't want to do something apparently. But what could he have been ordered to do that was so horrible? Brandon sensed that Jenny was confused and began explaining things.
"Jake sent us here to kidnap you," he told her. Jenny looked at his pain stricken face. That was not the whole truth.
"And then what does he want you to do with me?" she asked a little too boldly.
"I can't say."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to frighten you," he stated calmly.
"Well your doing an excellent job of that. You only came into my room at three o'clock in the morning and pointed a gun at my head and said you were going to kidnap me. I'm not frightened at all!" She regretted saying that the instant it came out of her mouth. And she knew that David didn't appreciate her back-talk when she heard the gun cock. She turned towards him and saw the anger in his eyes. He was way more than aggravated.
"Fine! You want to know the truth? We were sent to kill you," he exclaimed. Brandon tried to calm him down but it was impossible. "I don't appreciate you acting like a little spoiled brat! Do you realize that all I have to do is pull this trigger and you are gone. But just so you know, we aren't going to kill you right now. Which is why you should be grateful. We were ordered to not let you ever see outside again but we decided we weren't going to follow orders this time. But I must admit that our way might not help you much either."
"What are you going to do with me?" Jenny asked between her tears. She wasn't just frightened, she was petrified. This was a desperate cry for answers. She had to know.
"We are going to play a little game," was David's only response.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
for those of you who actually read this whole thing, i am going to explain the idea of the story.
See the game David is referring to is going to be about choices. They are going to give Jenny a choice about everything from what they should tie her hands with to how they are going to kill her. But the catch is that they only give her two options and she HAS to choose one of them....
Spoiler: she doesn't die... i havent figured out exactly how im going to work it but something about her is going to change David and Brandon and they will be unable to do any harm to her.... but i havent figured out what yet