Is this a good introduction for a high school essay?

A

AngelaI

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I am writing an essay for a high school application. The topic was, 'If you could go back and change one day in your life, what would you change and why?' I wrote about the day that my sister's first serious boyfriend committed suicide. She had a very hard time with it and it impacted our whole family. Here is the introduction:

For the first time in my life, I knew what true sadness looked like. I could see it there, etched in her face. I could hear it in her sobs; I could feel it in the room. 'I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't believe this is happening to me.' She said those words over and over. Only yesterday we were laughing, fighting, shouting. Only yesterday we were playing like the children we are, free of the present and running to our future. But suddenly the weight of the present was dropped on her shoulders. And it wasn't fair.
 
yes most of it is is pretty good but instead of repeating i can't believe this is happening to me add something like. "As her words echoed and filled the room flashing back to days of yesterday she felt like she could still hear the laughter......"
you probably get the picture good luck with the paper :)
 
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