ShortyFourlonelone
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- Mar 14, 2011
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I tell myself it's OK if I don't read this stuff. It'll be OK when I go in for the exam. It will be FINE when I'm actually looking at the answers. I start to read, I stop. I start again, I stop. I start AGAIN, I stop. I feel like I know this enough, I close my book. I sit there, and I stare at the wall. Stare. Silently scream at myself. Stare again. There isn't a difference. My mind clouds of up and my vision gets blurred. I sit there for a while, simply not studying. Doing everything I possibly can but study. Next thing I know, 6 hours have gone by and I'm sitting going “Oh shit, oh shit, what have I done? SIX hours I could have finished studying and had all of that important information in my HEAD.” Even right now, as I type this, I should be studying. I am not typing this for you, or for me. I'm typing this because I feel like it will amount to some sort of reasoning. So I can read it over and understand what goes on in my head. So I can vent. So I can laugh at my stupidity, turn off my laptop, and go back to studying like I should be doing. But my head doesn't work this way; Everything is indeed just all in my head. I know I'm not crazy, but I'm not normal. This can't be normal. Is it? You'd have to tell me that, whoever you are. I don't even know you, and yet I'm typing this knowing that someday, someone will read it. Is there any purpose for this? Maybe I hope that someone will read it and go “Hey, I totally relate to this” or “Oh my god..I do this all the time. Maybe I'm not the only one”. Maybe I secretly wish that one of you people out there have written something like this, so that I may read it and go “Oh, I feel this way too. I'm not alone” and feel less bad about myself.
But no, I am the one writing about this. This raw feeling that doesn't seem right. Do I want to feel good about myself? Yes? Does that mean I am going to? No. I want to try and I want to be one of those people. One of those upper class people who have worked hard in school all of their life and in the end it all pays off and they get a nice living and a great retirement home. I want that, who doesn't? Everyone should want that. Their goals can be a little less higher than mine but sure, in the end I believe people want a good standard of living. So when I struggle like this it kills me inside, because it never gets better. It gets worse and worse and I always manage to scrape on by with the bare minimum.
Maybe it's because my dad put all these ideas into my head. No, he drilled them into my head. I simply had no idea that my dad was the screw driver, his ideals were the screw, and I was just the simple hunk of stationary wood with no choice but to accept this pain of having a screw drilled into my head. I didn't stand a chance from day one. Sometimes I think that, you know. But you can't be born with the knowledge that your parents are going to put all of this expectations on you and you will never be able to escape them. No, you find this out later when it's too late and you're being crushed by the pressure that is your parents pushing you to find your place in society. The place they want you to have in society. Instead, you are born an innocent child subjected to these expectations from day one. You will never learn to distinguish what you want or if it's what your parents want. At least, I can't distinguish between the two. If you can, god freaking bless you. I don't believe in god, but may he bless you anyway, just in case.
Some kids actually live up to their parents expectations. Imagine that? But are they happy? Was it of their own accord? I do not believe so. If you do anything with even then smallest tinge of doing it for someone else, then it is not your own actions. What I really want to learn, is how to do things for myself, and not feel horribly guilty when things don't go as my dad had planned. And of course, he'll tell me that he loves me no matter what, and that I can do what I want, I'm an adult now. But in the end, it's like NO, that is not the case nor is it ever going to be the case. There will always be something wrong with what I do, and I can't live with that. I won't live with that. Yet as I stray from what my father expects of me, things get worse anyway. When I do what I want, it's almost not worth it. The way I see it: I can stay in this university like he wants me to but come out of it as a failure because I do not feel like I belong here or that I am here for the wrong reasons (Just to please him) OR I could not go to university and just work and chill out, which would make him angry as well. So you see, I am royally screwed. Screwed with a screwdriver that, if I could decide it now, would never have gone near my thick wooden head in the first place.
Life is full of choices. I can chose whatever I want to do. But there are consequences for everything, good or bad. It does not matter. People say you can live accordingly to your wants and your desires, but that is simply a lie. Don't think you're free when you graduate and go to university. No, definitely not. You are in fact quite the opposite. People will always have expectations for you, and you will not be able to fulfil them. Now how you go about dealing with that is entirely up to you. But please, don't choose the way I'm choosing to deal with it. Instead, read what I have written and say “I feel this way too, and it's okay” and feel better about yourself. Now you know you're not the only one who feels completely fucked over.
But no, I am the one writing about this. This raw feeling that doesn't seem right. Do I want to feel good about myself? Yes? Does that mean I am going to? No. I want to try and I want to be one of those people. One of those upper class people who have worked hard in school all of their life and in the end it all pays off and they get a nice living and a great retirement home. I want that, who doesn't? Everyone should want that. Their goals can be a little less higher than mine but sure, in the end I believe people want a good standard of living. So when I struggle like this it kills me inside, because it never gets better. It gets worse and worse and I always manage to scrape on by with the bare minimum.
Maybe it's because my dad put all these ideas into my head. No, he drilled them into my head. I simply had no idea that my dad was the screw driver, his ideals were the screw, and I was just the simple hunk of stationary wood with no choice but to accept this pain of having a screw drilled into my head. I didn't stand a chance from day one. Sometimes I think that, you know. But you can't be born with the knowledge that your parents are going to put all of this expectations on you and you will never be able to escape them. No, you find this out later when it's too late and you're being crushed by the pressure that is your parents pushing you to find your place in society. The place they want you to have in society. Instead, you are born an innocent child subjected to these expectations from day one. You will never learn to distinguish what you want or if it's what your parents want. At least, I can't distinguish between the two. If you can, god freaking bless you. I don't believe in god, but may he bless you anyway, just in case.
Some kids actually live up to their parents expectations. Imagine that? But are they happy? Was it of their own accord? I do not believe so. If you do anything with even then smallest tinge of doing it for someone else, then it is not your own actions. What I really want to learn, is how to do things for myself, and not feel horribly guilty when things don't go as my dad had planned. And of course, he'll tell me that he loves me no matter what, and that I can do what I want, I'm an adult now. But in the end, it's like NO, that is not the case nor is it ever going to be the case. There will always be something wrong with what I do, and I can't live with that. I won't live with that. Yet as I stray from what my father expects of me, things get worse anyway. When I do what I want, it's almost not worth it. The way I see it: I can stay in this university like he wants me to but come out of it as a failure because I do not feel like I belong here or that I am here for the wrong reasons (Just to please him) OR I could not go to university and just work and chill out, which would make him angry as well. So you see, I am royally screwed. Screwed with a screwdriver that, if I could decide it now, would never have gone near my thick wooden head in the first place.
Life is full of choices. I can chose whatever I want to do. But there are consequences for everything, good or bad. It does not matter. People say you can live accordingly to your wants and your desires, but that is simply a lie. Don't think you're free when you graduate and go to university. No, definitely not. You are in fact quite the opposite. People will always have expectations for you, and you will not be able to fulfil them. Now how you go about dealing with that is entirely up to you. But please, don't choose the way I'm choosing to deal with it. Instead, read what I have written and say “I feel this way too, and it's okay” and feel better about yourself. Now you know you're not the only one who feels completely fucked over.