Need advice on how to do projects with my husband without arguing?

[gardensallday]

My husband asked me to help him hook up a switch on his old tractor today, and it ended up in a string of insults - I am "so f**ing stupid" etc. He has severe vision problems, so I followed his instructions on how to hook up the switch, and it didn't work. turns out a connector was loose, but I ttold him the connection may not be good enough, but I thought it was OK.

He says that I treated him like he was stupid, and so that is why he got mad at me. I don't see how that is since he knows a lot more about hooking up electrical stuff than me, how would I even imply that? But he often insults me for other things - because I don't know what tool he wants or can't understand his directions, even though I am trying. When we work together on projects that we both know a lot about, we rarely argue. He is calling me stupid when we work on projects I have little experience or knowledge about. I do disagree with him sometimes (occasionally my physics and math education are helpful in the real world). His male friends disagree sometimes also, but he doesn't ever take it personally.

Background: I'm a nerdy person with science/math degrees who says things like "Rotate it 90 degrees and invert it," and he (a practical handyman type) says "turn it around and over." He usually works with handy types (male friends with a lot of experience ) . I am handier than most women, but not as handy as the guys he usually works with. We have been together for 8 years.

We both have problems - I have severe depression, so I am not pulling my weight around the house (he does believe I do my best). He is legally blind and is having health issues, and so he often needs my help, and he is already frustrated when he comes to ask for help

I am getting daily put downs and have been for at least a couple of years now, and I don't know if it's because I am somehow insulting him unintentionally or he is frustrated with his vision & health problems or my depression problems & taking it out on me, or maybe he is frustrated that I'm smart, so he is taking me down a peg in the areas where he is more knowlegable?

anyway, insight would be appreciated. I have a therapist, but I don't have any appointments for quite awhile.

thx
I do often walk away when he criticizes me, but these often are projects that MUST be done, and we can't afford to hire them done.

 

[Mirandagirl1]

Wow sounds like you need to talk to him on how to talk to someone who he loves. I would never think a man would can his wife those names. That would be a hugh deal to me depression or not. Saying " rotate it 90 degrees and invert it" is normal speech to me. I do nothing that would require tools for fixing anything and just make that your rules with him. I know it has to be hard to help a blind person because mentally they want to do things and can't see it. BUT I would make him wait until a guy friend comes to help. Tell him your done helping him fix things because of how he talks to you and that be the end of it. Then there won't be the dumb fights. Walk away if he starts to put you down. It's not like he can see you leave anyway. Just tell him if he then notices you left, that you are not to talk to me and I'm going to walk away everytime you act this way.

 

[moonmother2000]

Sounds like you both are industrious bright people. When frustration sets in, it can become toxic and negative very quickly - and people slide in to habits that can be self destructive.

You may be taking this whole thing too seriously. If one of you can break the cycle, it will be beneficial to both of you and your relationship.Try laughing more (not at him)

It is very interesting that you relate your nerdy language - do you do this with an agenda? If that annoys him - think about speaking in more "user-friendly" language. It other words, don't get nerdy with him, if it irritates him.

When he feels threatened and accuses you of making him feel stupid - take him at his word and nip the whole thing in the bud! You will be amazed at how well this works!

When he suggests you were trying to make him feel stupid, a "defusing" response can go something like, "oh, Sweetie, I am so sorry, I could have communicated that better with you - you know I know you are not stupid - *How should I have responded?" " Or just say, "I could of said that in a better way, so sorry, luv"
And, be sincere, putting this message in your own style.

Laughing and saying to him, when he calls you stupid, "that really was dumb on my part, but, could you call me "Darling", instead of stupid? (say this in humor)

Please know depression is an illness and "pulling your weight" is something those with depression cannot do sometimes. Feeling guilty when you are conscientious can be hard to fight, but, try not being so hard on yourself - when you are both hypersensitive, as can happen in depression, it is easier to take things too personally.

I congratulate you for realizing your communication style could be better and think you will implement some of these suggestions - and have fun with it!

Best wishes!

 

[Dot]

If he is classed as legally blind !!
This is not the best project to work on really is it ??
Men have a natural mechanical ability us women don't !!
And if you suffer from depression him shouting at you wont help

 

[Kerbear]

I totally understand what you are going through - my husband did the same thing, because he thought I was "book smart" and he wasn't. As his health went downhill I had to help him even more and it usually ended up with, "you know so much, you do it!" From both of us! He was very handy and taught me so much...we even rebuilt an outboard motor together, because he couldn't see the tiny things! He is frustrated and feels less than what he was and wonders why you aren't out looking for someone better - He doesn't understand that you love him anyway! It'll be 2 years on the 10th of this month since my husband passed away, so just keep on loving him and trying to fight the depression - I've been there, too - even fight it now at times. I often used to wonder if God gave my husband an angel (me) or was punishing me for something I did by giving me him!

 

[FunSeeker1]

I think he is utterly frustrated with his vision problem so he takes it out on the person closest to him - you.

I also think you are his eyes and if you don't get it right, he feels completely lost and more frustrated.
That explains why you don't argue when you work on projects you both know a lot about. It has a calming effect on him because his eyes (you) are functioning well for him.

It is not right that he calls you stupid perhaps he can work on his vocabulary a bit to be less insulting and hurtful when he feels frustrated.

Perhaps you should make it clear to him that we don't all know everything despite intelligence. Before you start on a project that you don't know much about, say it to him. "I don't know much about this so please be patient with me. I want to help you and we will get it right together." This will reassure him that you won't give up and leave him unable to complete something, which could be the greatest fear inside of him.

Telling you, you are stupid (he knows you are intelligent) could be his way to challenge you mentally. By saying this to you he thinks you will try harder because he knows your mental capacity is your pride and joy. Not a nice way but a possibility.